Three weeks in the making

It is rather a telling sign when I take three weeks to write a blog. I usually foolishly sacrifice valuable minutes of sleep in order to get a blog or a rant-esque e-mail out in one unbroken piece. These three weeks have been as busy as ever, and not coincidentally, are also my three weeks of having moved out from home.

My first three weeks at Xin's house have been as wonderfully challenging as I expected. There has been a very positive benefit in regimenting my life. Previously, I was very loose with my schedule but now I actively make use of all my time. I also am successfully going to sleep earlier on work nights (aside from one night's ushering for Glide Time). I watch far less television and waste less time on the computer. I finish my lesson plans faster as their is competition for the keyboard. Leading challenges are to make food that is not flavourless or excessively flavourful (by the Xin Standard). I don't seem to be able to hit the zone between those two extremes on a regular basis. All tastes delightful to me though.

My good news of gaining a second client has well and truly sunk in and I am patiently waiting for it to be properly formalised and underway. Ernst & Young will be a new challenge and a fertile ground for further work opportunities.

My back pain is back with avengence and its chronic nature is reminiscient of my troublesome ankles (which also has not been completely back to normal). I am quite optimistic about my prospects of beating my back and being stronger for the crisis. Having one's back 'cracked' $25, having on's girlfriend stomping on your back to achieve the same result - priceless. Learning how to crack your own back is a joy.

I also had lots of different motivations, experiences and ideas in this period too. I actually consumed a whole 110 page book on a work day, The Myths that Make Us. This is highly rare for a literary sloth like myself. The previous day I had sampled parts of The Simpsons and Philosophy. This book was mainly interesting for the excerpts, the philosophy part worked well when considering themes and failed when considering the characters. As was often pointed out, the characters are rather amorphous and cannot be analysed. That being said, the only philosophically fascinating essay I ran into was in a character study, albeit quoted from another book. It is so cool that I will publish it here too:

Scorned by a woman, Satan took council with his chief tempters in Pandemonium.
"What," he asked the assembled Principalities and Powers, "are we doing to hasten the dehumanization of man?"
One by one, they reported. Formidable Senior Vice-Presidents in charge of Envy, Pride and Avarice gave glowing accounts; the Chiefs of the Bureaus of Lust and Sloth read lengthy bills of particulars. Lawyers lectured on loopholes. Satan however was not pleased. Even the brilliant report from the Head of the War Department failed to satisfy him. He listened restively to the long treatise on nuclear proliferation; he fiddled with pencils during the section on the philosophy of guerilla warfare.

Finally, Satan's wrath overcame him. He swept his notes from the table and leapt to his feet. "Self-serving declarations!" he roared. "Am I doomed to sit forever listening to idiots try to hide incompetence behind verbiage? Has no-one anything new? Are we to spend the rest of eternity minding the store as we have for a thousand years?"
At that point, the youngest tempter rose.
"With your permission, my lord," he said, "I have a program." And as Satan sat down again, the demon launched into his proposal for an interdepartmental Bureau of Desubstantialization. He claimed that the dehumanization of man was going too slowly because their infernal strategy had failed to cut man off from one of the chief bulwarks of his humanity. In concentrating on offenses against God and neighbour, it had failed to corrupt his relationship to things. Things, the tempter declared, by their provision of unique delights and individual astonishments, constituted a continuous refreshment of the very capacities Hell was at pains to abolish. As long as man dealt with real substances, he would himself remain substantial. What was needed, therefore, was a program to deprive man of things.

Satan took evident interest. "But," he objected, "how shall we proceed? In an affluent modern society man has more 'things' than ever. Are you saying that in the midst of such abundance and possessed by such materialism he simply will not notice so obvious and so bizarre a plot?"
"Not quite, my lord," said the tempter. "I do not mean to take anything from him physically. Instead, we shall encourage him mentally to alienate himself from reality. I propose that we contrive a systematic substitution of abstraction, diagrams, and spiritualizations for actual things, actual beings. Man must be taught to see things as symbols - must be trained to use them for effect and never for themselves. Above all, the door to delight must remain firmly closed.
"It will not," he continued, "be as difficult as it seems. Men are so firmly convinced that they are materialists that they will believe anything before they suspect us of contriving their destruction by spiritualization. By wayof a little insurance, however, I have taken the liberty of arranging for an army of televangelists who will continue, as in the past, to thunder against them for being materialists. Humanity will be so busy feeling delightfully wicked that nobody will notice the day when we finally cut them loose from their reality altogether."
And at that, Satan smiled, sat back and folded his hands. "Excellent...," he said. "Let the work go forward."

And that is that. Cool, eh.

(taken from an essay in The Simpsons and Philosophy, page 193, 'Enjoying the so-called "Iced-cream"' written by Daniel Barwick, quoting The Supper of Lamb by Robert Farrar Capon)

Fair Trade

Yesterday I bought some "Trade Aid" Dark Chocolate. It is marketed as being organic and fair trade. It was $5.80 for a 200 gram block. I bought it because on the weekend I got the 50g version and suddenly discovered it wasn't half bad and it had a reasonable price. At Trade Aid shops those ones cost $1.90 which is equivalent to a service station price for non-fair trade chocolate.

For me, organic products are one of the higher criteria for buying. My desire for organics is greater than my desire for vegetarianism, and my desire for vegetarianism is far more than my desire for fair trade. Only financial constraints and transport stop me from buying more organics.

Fair trade is yet to logically filter through with me. With my rudimentary knowledge of economics, if you split a market taking all the buyers who would be happy to buy something for a higher price, and also remove the sellers who'd prefer to sell it at a higher price, you make the price crash. That means non fair trade chocolate, regardless of its origin, suffers a drop in price. Though this may 'punish' those who use slavery to produce their goods it also harms many farms which are not selling their cocoa/coffee through fair trade channels but are ethically fine. Ideally this would lead a trend towards all sellers moving toward getting registered as fair trade, as it means a higher premium, isolating the non-ethically produced cocoa. But this would also mean a higher price, lower demand, lower production so fewer sellers benefiting from the trade (as you get with higher prices).

And there is always a market for cheap cocoa. The rogue sellers who use slavery will always have a market because cheap goods always sell.

Anyway, I'm happy with my premium Dark Chocolate as it is delicious foremost, and organic secondly. Yum.

My voice is my passport

I was delivered my new passport today, marginally bigger, more expensive, shorter validity and all. They also deprived me of my wonderfully easy to remember passport number, sigh. I suddenly was struck by the realisation that I had no intention of travelling anywhere outside the borders of this country. Why did I have a passport? Why fork out the money?

World Tennis Federation

Allow me to quote myself: "It seems ironic that a year in which getting my health and fitness has turned out to be rather horrific in terms of my health." Oh, how the Health and Fitness god(s) taunt me so. On Monday night, a slight discomfort became a rather heinous pain in the ass ailment. So much so that I was compelled to go the doctor the next day. Apparently it is an ailment which 80% of people suffer from in their lifetimes. So what was I supposed to do? Well, the doctor gave me what was to be supposited. Oh deary me. I am still suffering so.

But Monday was good for other reasons in that between dilly-dallying over what I would do about my troublesome back I managed to click it into place myself. Since then I've had virtually no pain. And my ankles are good - I think. So soon all parts of my body will be in their intended places and like will return to a semblance of normality. I haven't been in normal health since early September (unless dysfunctional health is the norm...).

And then Tuesday, the Work and Employment gods decided to give me some relief by quite possibly giving me my second client... Well, not quite giving but it is open for me to seize and I will. Funny life this.

The Crossword Trial

Last week I decided to give my crosswording skill a comprehensive test doing both Herald crosswords (straight and cryptic) everyday it was published and also the Kropotkin crossword on the weekend, to have some quantitative test of how well I can do them. I'll try it again later to see if I improve.

Here are the results:

Straight crosswords
Finish rate: 100% (6/6)
Error rate: 4 mistaken answers in 6 crosswords
Assistance: 2 answers provided from outside sources (A friend suggested vaunted for boasted, and also a comment from my mother made me realise a mistaken answer was something else).

Cryptic crosswords
Finish rate: 5 crosswords out of 6. Due to a mistake, one crossword was rendered impossible.
Error rate: 3 mistaken answers in six crosswords
Assistance: 1 answers provided using outside sources (I didn't know what a parvenu was).

I would have included timing to do them but I am often interrupted by work ;-) And besides some of them take me almost 24 hours to complete...

Kropotkin crosswords
Fortunately for my Crossword trial, I finished this crossword for the first time ever. That being said, I did have a lot of guesses, and occasional assistance. His clues are the most evil cryptics possible and the answers are occasionally words you'll never see anywhere else (not even on the internet). Last week I got one answer. I have to wait till next weekend to get the answers but so far I can say:

(out of 28 clues)
Finished
Error rate: At least 1 (I guessed an answer for a dressage movement, got it wrong, it was 'piaffe')
Assistance: Only to confirm answers

The evil of the clues are everywhere e.g.

• Charlie cutting the duck up - back end discarded while meditating (7,3,3) = C+hewing the [k]cud
• Is tenor featuring in opera? Order one to appear (8) = Is+op(t)era (the Order of termites, I found out later...)
• Queen with straight wrist - wife leaves - mate comes around (9) = (to get this I needed cockney rhyming slang, as another word for mate is China i.e. china plate = mate so...) Ch+[w]rist+ina, apparently there is a Queen Christina...
• Film someone eating around noon (a little bone) - had meal by the sound of it (6,2,5) = This is classic - 'Diner' insert the 'n' from noon, a small bone is 'a t bone' reduced to 'at' and sounds like had a meal is ate/'eight' = Din(n)er at Eight, a movie I found out, according to my mum...

I'll take it easy this week, but I'd like to try a few for speed.

Another week, another challenge, another success

It seems ironic that a year in which getting my health and fitness has turned out to be rather horrific in terms of my health. Just on the weekend I suddenly noticed that something was attacking one of my toes. It is likely to be one fo the evil uncles of the mushroom family, not that magical though. And last week I almost had to cancel classes as a tongue infection caused me pain and to thpeak funly. It is when you are in the most pain to speak that people do you the slap in the face of "What did you say?" after you have carefully and slowly managed to make a semi-intelligible sentence. Ah, well in all that commotion my ankles enjoyed their time outside the limelight and slowly but surely they are getting better and better.

Health aside, I have had two breakthroughs for English teaching and a job opening out of the blue. The two breakthroughs occurred during my neverending cold-calling to find another company. Now I am meeting with two companies in the next week and a half, one seeming to be rather promising. And the job opening, which was slide under the door and into my inbox, confidential like, so I'm not allowed to disclose. Unfortunately, although it is a job I wouldn't mind doing, and could be quite capable of doing, regrettably I have little in the way of qualifications to suit it. Drat. Won't stop me applying though (which I fired in quick).

In other pursuits, my first charge in preparation for the Speech Therapy qualification next year has begun with training to be a Stroke Scheme Volunteer. Strokes, as our facilitator says, are really fascinating if it weren't for them being a personal disaster for someone. Some of the symptoms seem strangely familiar. Maybe I've had a stroke. Naaah, but it is surprising how something as severe as a stroke can cause manifestations we can relate to such as "tip of the tongue" feeling and struggling to thpeak poply.

Frankfurt

A lady from Frankfurt either has a serious problem with her phone, an intellectual difficulty or just wants to annoy me. For the third time she has called on my cellphone at 5:30am. When I first had this for the first time, I struggled to get wakeful enough to deal with a phone call and managed a "Hello, Daniel speaking". I could hear some muffled German and then she hung up. Cheers. Since then, at least once every week for the last three weeks she has called. After a rather messy night of sleep with surreal dreams and restlessness, again I got a call. I looked at the number and sent it to answerphone. Wish I had spoken to her now. Now, I have decided that I will gather enough German from a german speaker and call her or answer her call with it.

Either way, this has to stop.

Before sleep, before dreams

One of the interesting zones of semi-conscious awareness is the time when your mind is falling into sleep but you are also half-awake. Xin, heard me once tell her "So this would be good for your research" (was that it Xin?) when I had almost fallen asleep. This was not connected at all to what was being said or what Xin was doing. She was doing some of her art work at the time. I can vaguely remember that there was a reason for saying it but I can't remember it.

Again tonight, while I was lurking on the verge of sleep I could have sworn that Xin asked me a question, I remember having a really visual answer and was going to try and express it in words, something like "If the soldiers in Nazi Germany can, ..." suddenly I couldn't remember my answer nor the question and asked Xin to repeat her question. She said she hadn't ask me a question.

Anyway, that is my musing before I go down into my dreams for tonight.

P.S. About a month ago, I told many people that I had a dream about a tsunami hitting Auckland. Strangely enough a tsunami possibility scenario arose in the last few days when a 8 magnitude earthquake hit Tonga, although there was no tsunami.

A third down

Well that was quick, one third of the year has been completed, now where am I? Where am I going?

Health

An annoying start to the year but has been getting better. My eyes are fine, my teeth are fine, my back is no longer chronically sore (only a very localised problem occasionally), and my ankle is not majorly sore and should be back in working order in a week or two. I feel fitter than I did at the beginning fo the year. My plans are to go to a chiropractor, and do yoga and/or alexander technique for my back. Allow my ankle whatever time it needs and slowly build up strength and stamina through walking and possibly running nearer the end of the year.

Career

Since the start of the year I haven't applied for any jobs and no particular other jobs have appealed to me. My In-Company Tuition has been useful but whether it is sustainable is still debatable. My current plan is to keep tutoring till the end of the year, although keeping an eye out for possible advertised positions. Market hard now for a new company to tutor to and try to work as close as I can to full time. Apply for Master of Speech Language Therapy (SLT) at University, and if selected do that for the next two years. If not selected, re-evaluate.

Finances

After sorting out when I will be paying two large wads of money to tax, I figure that to have enough money to do what I want I had better earn much more money and to cut a few expenses which may require some budgetting. Fortunately a few big expenses have already been paid such as medical bills (including wisdom teeth), trailwalker money, insurance.

Love

Xin is nice. Planning to move in quite soon.

Study

I will concentrate on what is required for SLT first. The chinese advanced test can be my challenge another year. For SLT, they have a restriction of 16 students, so there is a selection process and my qualifications are not directly what they are looking for but I would like to do some preparation throughout the year and have a go at applying in November.

Little projects

Despite there being a huge number of little projects I have on the back-burner, I have not done any in this third of the year. Trailwalker has been my only undertaking of any size. So I will be prioritising and scheduling the others wisely throughout the year.

Sweet Dreams are made of these

Dreams are always a regular source of interest to me. I can go through long periods where I remember every dream and equally long periods where I can't remember a thing. I have dreams which leave memories strong enough to confuse me later on whether certain things have happened or not (usually details but occasionally events). There are themes which return, and then compelling ones that never come back.

Lately, I have had a rather memorable set of diverse dreams and fragments. One night I was running a slippery cross-country circuit, last night travelling and missing my flight, a few weeks ago I was viewing the destruction of Auckland to a tsunami, and another night I was touring around London with my eldest sister. Occasionally there would be something really out of leftfield or out of place which seems quite normal in the dream. This period has to be one of the longest streaks of rather mundane dreams where most things aren within the realms of reason - there is hardly any of the surreal or fantastic scenarios such as those I occasionally had with sharks and lions looming large.

I don't have more than a passing fancy in dream-interpretation. I go through times where I record my dreams and times when I wish I had - but only after the key details have faded from memory.

If I have any interesting dreams in the near future, I'll record them here, but anyone is welcome to record their dreams or thoughts about dreams.

100k’s too far

One of my anticipated events of the year has become something of a disappointment. The 100k Trailwalker event had been a rather big focus for me. Every day I had been treating my ankles in the hope of hastening their recovery from the chronic pain I had had. In the last month I had been frenetically training looping through the city and country. But either through poor strategy or just pure insufficient preparation, I had to pull out at the 63 km mark of the event.

The walk started well although in retrospect, we probably went too quickly. The first leg of 17km was relatively easy and I was happy. The second leg of 10.7km was horrid with the front of my ankles flaring up but nothing excessive. We had to cross hilly farmland on an angled route traversing sheep tracks that ran horizontally (hard to explain sorry). This had been a problem in the past for me because if you follow the track, your ankle will be constantly rolling to one side and would be aggravating part of my ankle. I decided to take my usual strategy of going either directly down or going completely laterally along the sheep tracks. In retrospect, this may have been the wrong choice as later on the pain in my ankle was chiefly in the front part, perhaps from the impact of going straight down a hill quickly.

That being said, the third leg of the journey, 10.2k was quite good for me. The pain in my ankles completely disappeared and only friction on my heels caused any discomfort. My back started its usual drilling under my left shoulder. As a team, we skidded into the Checkpoint 3 with our first real signs that our team’s condition was starting to deteriorate.

The fourth leg was the worst for most concerned. The longest section of the course at 18.7kms, it injured most of the team in some way. I was fine to start off with and enjoyed the soft surface of a forest grove where I could move smoothly even though I had pain in my knees and ankles. Night fell and the headlamps went on. At the 50k point, I uttered the rather foolish comment that I had a strong pain threshold and despite my pained ankles, knees and back I would be able to finish the course. Unfortunately, from that point on we were walking on Whangamata road and my ankles were increasingly aggravated, possibly because of the harder surface. The speed I was able to do dropped.

At the end of that leg we realised we wouldn’t be able to meet a 10pm cut off point to get to Checkpoint 5. If we could have done so we would be able to go home for a rest in the middle, which would have been desirable for the injured (although with the feel of being a little bit like cheating). We stopped and had a chance to recuperate before our march to Checkpoint 5. Although I felt fine at the stop – as soon as I started the 5th leg my left ankle suddenly became unbearable. I had to stop at the side of the path and give it strapping and extra cream. It was worse than any of the preceding pain that I had with my ankle. From that point on, I was focussed only in putting one step in front of the other. It impaired my balance a little slowing me down more. Fortunately there was a walking pole on hand (thanks AJ), which helped quite a lot. In addition to my foot trouble, I started to feel rather nauseous too, occasionally feeling that the bushes were beckoning me to puke on them. In other words, I was a mess.

I believed I had re-injured my ankle but in a new location; the front hinge part rather than the inner side that was hurt previously (the inner ligament). With over 40kms still to go and at least 10 more hours of walking on the track I resigned myself to pulling out at the next stop to prevent further damage. We stopped at Checkpoint 5 for two hours and I gave myself some treatment. They had free massages for all trailwalkers. I started to have second thoughts about pulling out. I may have been able to do the next leg, but alternatively I could have injured it more and needed a team sent in to pull me out. So in the end, I quit.

After I got back at AJ’s house, I regretted pulling out again (did that many times subsequently). I gave my ankles good treatment with heat and various therapeutic gels and creams, slept several hours of broken sleep and in the morning I felt a lot better. I walked/limped the final 5kms with my drenched, injured and exhausted team-mates (hooray for James and AJ!).

In retrospect, I think I made the right decision about pulling out. My eldest sister told me about how she had pushed on through an obviously damaged knee on a tramp and still has problems because of it now. Right now, embarrassingly, my ankles are feeling well except for a small issue on the left outer ankle (another spot which was not previously damaged).

I have resolved to walk a 100k, with sufficient training, in the near future (probably within two months) once my ankles have settled down at their own pace and I have had the chance to prepare myself and a training plan with my other fallen comrade, Edwin. My sister suggested I do the UK Trailwalker in July (another cunning way to get me over to England for a looksee), but finances may hold me back ;-)

Trailwalker, though arguably an act of masochism, is a genuine challenge and one I will attempt again and again till I finally finish the damn thing.

Last week's 'Quote of the Week'

After teaching Chinese weekly for perhaps 20 weeks to one of my students, we came across the word 'Qichuang' (get up in the morning) pronounced 'chee-chwang'. After trying to say it several times, my student said with a big grin: "Finally we are speaking real Chinese."

Skin of my teeth

Well, at the specified time of the year, I received my Japanese Proficiency test results. It was almost as disastrous as it could have possibly been. My predictions had been:

Vocabulary and Characters 96%, Listening 60%, Reading 75%.

My actual result was:
Vocabulary and Characters 96%, Listening 44%, Reading 63%.

Overall, I got 66.4%, which was over the 60% I needed to 'pass' and get a certificate saying I was of Grade 2, but it floated very close to that line. It was an improvement on my 1998 result in every area though:

Vocabulary and Characters 81%, Listening 19%, Reading 57.5%.

My next step is not as clear as for Chinese. I am not sure if I can devote the huge amount of time and energy I put into getting this result, and doubling it, to get to Level 1 level. I am interested in continuing my studies in Japanese. I have already lost my edge, but would probably still use the materials I have to deepen my understanding and try the same level again. It is a nice level and I don't mind remaining on it and seeking a more satisfying result. Of course, once I get back on the studying horse, I might be grasped by inspiration to go the whole way. We'll see.

Health

2006, contrary to my desire, has been a rather bumpy road in regards to my health. In early January I had chosen it as a main focus to get well and then get fit both of body and mind. I hadn't expected the first one of those to take so long. It is the eighth week of the year and I am only finally escaping from what has been a rather bad run of nuisance health problems (yes, I count myself lucky that something really serious hasn't grabbed me, as should all people. Here's a run down:

I started the year with one mostly healed injured ankle. Well enough to go 17km on New Year's day, that through imprudence (a key word for me), was reinjured and then due to my lopsided protection of that ankle, injured the other ankle. At its peak, both ankles were injured on both sides; the lower calf on the outside was strained and the inside ligaments on both were sprained. Now, I would provisionally say one, the original troublemaker, has healed. The other is painless right now, and should it be painless till my next block of work.

Wisdom teeth have been a non-problem, that became a problem and then, well, let's hope its all for the best. I had all four wisdom teeth removed, which to my ears sounded OK (so long as they need to be removed), but to everyone else's ears sounded a tad excessive, and a rip off. Either way, with the surgery more than a week old, I have still got some teeth concerns. It seems that the swelling pushed my teeth around, and then as the swelling went down the teeth all went back to where they came from, this however opened up the gums close to the teeth and was collecting food in them and it became painful to eat. So I had to revert to soft or mulched food again and still am. But the trip to the dental surgeon explained the necessity of each removal and soon as things are back to normal, I will be happy that I have had them done together without any great ordeal.

I may have also had a mild bout of anaemia again after the surgery. This is purely self-diagnosed, but I felt dizzy and nauseous till about Wednesday this week. It was possibly also another case of imprudence when I decided to start work again on the Monday after my surgery.

And my back is still a work in progress. Absolutely fine when there is nothing wrong, and painful if I sit to play chess or teach for more than an hour.

With such a long list, I have considered how I am going to get back out of this unhealthy hole. Namely, iron tablets in the short term, mulched diet till my next working week, grass-walking throughout this week, gentle exercise and stretching for my back and legs ongoing, longer-gentle walks next week, yoga when my back is no longer in any pain, a nice variety of food once my gums have recovered and then hopefully 100km's in April to wash it all down.

Losing Wisdom

When I was on the bus in Taiwan, one of the few AIESECers who vaguely wanted to continue a conversation with a scary foreigner was explaining his Chinese name, Yingzhi, saying it meant "full of wisdom". And every time he met me again he always said, 'Remember me? I'm full of wisdom.' Anyway, in a different way, last Friday I was depleted of my wisdom with the expensive extraction of four of my "third molars".

The surgery itself was a piece of cake. You lie back, get injected and then leave the world for what seems like barely a few minutes (wish I watched the clock, it was over an hour). What happens after that is much more exciting. You suddenly get moved out on your wobbly, wobbly legs and thrown into a waiting car, which happens to be piloted by Xin's mum. Suddenly you realise that your mouth is full of stuff and you find the front of your jaw, everything from the mouth down, including your lips are completely without sensation and hanging limply. Then you discover that one of those things in your mouth is your tongue - also dozing. You stare into the wing mirror and realise your left jaw decided to adopt an expansive strategy. You look like a lopsided gangster.

You go home with a bag full of drugs and are told not to make any important decisions or drive a car. Hmmmm. Should I take these drugs? Anyway, you do crosswords and watch Chinese TV instead and then remember the drugs two hours later. You struggle down a banana smoothie, which is an appalling experience when your tongue is not in operation or with sensation, and then take those pills. Without a tongue to motivate one's desire for food, many of us would die of hunger you surmise. Your girlfriend kindly calls and you tell her, 'Rhaaay dung eeth nung.' Then feel awfully tired and collapse on bed, awaken at sometime, feel dizzy, collapse on the bed again. You celebrate the reactivation of every mouth muscle.

You get amazed that none of your previously chronically sore body parts are sore and claim to have been miraculuously cured and then remember to take your regular dose of Codeine. You cut down your painkiller intake and suddenly those body parts are reinjured.

Well, that's how it was for me, or was it? The last two days have been better, and now I am almost back to normal. I can almost eat all the things I would usually. Although if I were a carnivore, steak would be an impossibility. My jaw is back to about a third of its swelling from Friday, but still obvious. Anyway, a nice little adventure in the journey of life.

'To have no hate nor love toward people'

My Chinese study is slowly overcoming inertia and has some movement forward after a break of about a month and a half. I am absolutely flabbergasted in retrospect at my study work-rate last year. I was a machine! It is impossible to return to that state immediately, so I am doing what comes naturally: Indulging in reading, recovering my vocab, listening to Chinese radio and chatting with Xin's mum.

One of my favourite ways to study has been to read in that language. Every student I have ever had, I have recommended it to - but few take it up. When you find something you are interested in reading, it is an amazing motivator. I am fortunate enough to have found my perfect reading material in Chinese - a magazine called Duzhe (meaning: The Reader). It is an assortment of various genres of short reading sections. Small stories. Essays. Jokes and the like. Short enough to immerse yourself in and finish in a break between lessons. And with enough variety so that you can move on easily when you choose wrongly.

One of the readings I did today was called 'To have no hate nor love toward people', which is a line from a Chinese poem by Su Manshu (unless that is a transliteration of a foreign surname). To the author, the line describes a state close to what he thinks would be heaven. He then boldly says, that that is how he describes many places in America. Friends and neighbours don't 'love' each other (love naturally means platonic love). They don't have the expectations on each other that people do in China. As there are few mutual expectations, there is nothing to bind them, and very little to repel them. He lived in America for 20 years and says he never had someone whom he could call a friend. Everyone in the places he lived just had a pool of people that were more mutually recognising acquaintances - very few had what he'd regard as friends. He suggests it comes from individualism - by believing in our requirement to be ourselves, it makes it hard to really meld together, and there is an emotional barrier that is virtually impossible to traverse without making people uncomfortable or making the other person suspicious. That is like New Zealand. In societies that are not as individualistic, the barrier just isn't there and people can intergrate themselves emotionally and also be more repelled when there is not that connection.

This coincides a little with a short story I am writing about someone with an overwhelming desire to connect with people. Someone who I am not, but sometimes play the role of. It is someone I might want to be. But interestingly, someone from that other side of the equation - sees our situation as a paradise - blissfully uncomplicated.

Chinese Test Result

After a long wait, resulting from the teacher-in-charge being away on holiday and no-one being around to send them forward till now, I have finally received my Chinese Language Test result. It was better than my expectation, but with the variation in scores that I had feared.

Listening 81% (even higher than my practice tests)
Grammar 94% (as expected, kicked butt)
Reading 91% (had expected much worse; this was when my powers of concentration were in free-fall, I must have guessed well)
Miscellaneous 69% (my fear, it was my biggest concern just prior to the test, plus in the third solid hour I was in a mental meltdown. It was my second lowest score for that section).

Regrettably with my low score in the last section, my total score fell out of the 'A' band score for Intermediate by a mere three marks (out of 400). Since there are fewer questions than points, 170 marks generating a total of 400, one extra correct answer would have got me there. But as a total score, it is better than all my practice tests - so I am happy with my results. I never quite got into that high band even with a pleasant atmosphere, tea in cup, breaks between sections and so on.

Now remains the choice of whether to go hell for leather at Advanced (and be massacred) or master Intermediate this year. Frankly, I consider only one a viable choice... Anyway, nice to finally know. I might get back to serious study soon.

Bliss

In our adrenalin filled world, an idea of bliss is sometimes hard to find. Maybe my last list mixed bliss and happiness, and probably with some pleasure in there too. For me now, bliss is the feeling of being unencumbered, released from something or to be immersed in an experience and hence released by other things.

The most interesting thing for me is that the bliss itself is not pleasure nor pain, but just experiencing what the senses bring..

Happiness is...

...a warm bun

...love re-affirmed

...a painless back

...tasting food

...a nice sleep

...ranting in synchronicity and in tune with a fellow ranter

...a rainy day

...watching healing

...connecting to someone through an image

...unexpected acceptance

...working
(feel free to add to this)

Old friend

When it comes to friends, I'm a sieve. I enjoy people and their friendship when they are around me - but change my situation and suddenly I lose touch. Until recently, the longest-term friendship from start to finish (not in consecutive years) I had was 12 years. This friend I had lost contact with but was re-acquainted with after a hiatus. On Piha on Sunday, though, I was lucky enough to bump into a primary school friend whom I knew for two years (form one and two) so that means I finally have a friend whom I had known more than 15 years ago. I am rather interested in re-establishing our friendship and will undertake efforts to make sure it happens.

Interestingly, in my job interviews for GCSB last year they would have required me to give the details of someone who I had known for over 15 years - a task which would have been very difficult.