The Sting
Reality will always punish the rationalist; there is always more under the sun than we can fit in our systems. It reminds me of the scorpion and the frog.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
A good life
One can get philosophical: We live in affluent countries; I have avoided a great many possible traumas in life so far. The effect of this, however, was to leave me psychologically unprepared for whatever inevitable life jolt that should arise; maybe it had even given me the fanciful thinking that I was strong and could handle with equanimity whatever could come up before me.
In the scheme of life heartbreak is apparently a common phenomenon; frankly, I've found it to be rather debilitating; all those poor people out there suffering along with me; perhaps, I wasn't as immediately sympathetic before. I know better now.
It makes me want to survey the experience of such pain. On three occasions in the last three and a half weeks, I've been reduced to an inconsolable heap and several other times it has come close to that extent. For me this process is quite regular: the latent tremor I have intensifies violently and becomes irrepressible; tears well and then the corners of my mouth do something I cannot event figure out; they kinda twist; I lose speech and strength and then the most stifled quiet screams emerge out of my mouth. The first time it happened I noticed that my mind virtually seemed to have broken in two: my rational mind was calmly thinking: 'oh bugger, that was pretty bad news; worse than I thought it would be; hey, what's up with the shakes?' while the other part shattered unable to even sustain a modicum of dignity.
The following day after it occurs I am blighted by the most hollow, sapped feeling. The first time it happened, I could actually work quite well despite the turmoil; the second time I was definitely distracted; while the day after my third (today) I was barely holding it together. Before the third time, I naively thought I was over the worst of it; and then consequently found that there was a while yet to go before I'm even remotely better.
For those I've talked to and who have sent me messages during this time, thank you. For those who I haven't told, sorry, circumstances may not have arisen or I just couldn't raise it at the time. Invite me out sometime.
One can get philosophical: We live in affluent countries; I have avoided a great many possible traumas in life so far. The effect of this, however, was to leave me psychologically unprepared for whatever inevitable life jolt that should arise; maybe it had even given me the fanciful thinking that I was strong and could handle with equanimity whatever could come up before me.
In the scheme of life heartbreak is apparently a common phenomenon; frankly, I've found it to be rather debilitating; all those poor people out there suffering along with me; perhaps, I wasn't as immediately sympathetic before. I know better now.
It makes me want to survey the experience of such pain. On three occasions in the last three and a half weeks, I've been reduced to an inconsolable heap and several other times it has come close to that extent. For me this process is quite regular: the latent tremor I have intensifies violently and becomes irrepressible; tears well and then the corners of my mouth do something I cannot event figure out; they kinda twist; I lose speech and strength and then the most stifled quiet screams emerge out of my mouth. The first time it happened I noticed that my mind virtually seemed to have broken in two: my rational mind was calmly thinking: 'oh bugger, that was pretty bad news; worse than I thought it would be; hey, what's up with the shakes?' while the other part shattered unable to even sustain a modicum of dignity.
The following day after it occurs I am blighted by the most hollow, sapped feeling. The first time it happened, I could actually work quite well despite the turmoil; the second time I was definitely distracted; while the day after my third (today) I was barely holding it together. Before the third time, I naively thought I was over the worst of it; and then consequently found that there was a while yet to go before I'm even remotely better.
For those I've talked to and who have sent me messages during this time, thank you. For those who I haven't told, sorry, circumstances may not have arisen or I just couldn't raise it at the time. Invite me out sometime.
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