Thursday, September 11, 2008

Observing self

I hold a philosophical view that experiencing is the true matter of life (as the main thing to consider). This is probably not too controversial and it has had its benefits. There is no such thing as boredom and there is nothing that can be deemed negative, no matter how bad the experience is. Recent experiences have proved it (as in really tested it) and proven it to me at the same time. Going through, transiting from one phase to another is special. It can be unbearable; It can be interminable; It can be instant and immediate; It can be detached; And it can be pleasant or horrid at the time of its passing as well as in its recollection.

Up until this year, I had a good grasp of my nature - I could anticipate my feelings accurately. Recently though all that past self-knowledge has not only become invalidated in its accuracy, but generally has now been trashed. Little applies to the present. I have had to grasp things anew, in what for a while seemed like another person's mind. So I've taken to observing myself rigorously. Does observation affect the experience of life? That is impossible to know. But the sheer act of observing, of learning from it, enriches it far more than experiencing alone. Simply experiencing is fine, but accepting it as a result, a process and cause naturalises it.

Anxiety seems to be a rather constant companion of late - it has never been so before (although some elements have been there in different forms in the past). It'll be interesting to watch how it changes with time, when it intensifies, when it recedes, whether it disappears and whether it can be treated.

1 comment:

Crypticity said...

I neglected to follow up this post: The interesting thing is that there is nothing interesting to stay.

I was really anxious that day for no particular reason - I felt I'd vomit in the evening. The next day I felt it brewing but not impacting me much. The next day I was wondering if my sensations of anxiety were there or not. I wasn't sure whether it was just the feeling of consciousness itself or the way I was naturally. Then the next day I couldn't say that I felt any anxiety at all. And that has continued to this day!

So much for higher experiences of such things. But I can be glad to say good riddance to such things - it is not a place I'd like to stay.

The most interesting thing is the anxiety led me to some interestingly anxious conclusions, perhaps conclusions I wouldn't have made before.