Subsequent to yesterday's exclusive on the self-sabotage in this important of important times, self-deception and fabrication of truth was added to the litany of crimes against my practicum.
Should I be happy or should I not? When has self-deception been a reason to celebrate?
My memory, hoping to avoid the complete embarrassment of not knowing where my file organiser, decided to manufacture memories. Created were the memories of me holding my organiser, walking down Balmoral Rd on the way to Foodtown. I can still remember it as clear as the weather, that afternoon. I even wrote it in the previous blog. I am certain of that memory as I am of any other memory.
As I walked into St Lukes early this morning to look for that file-organiser, I could even mentally isolate where I had put down the folder. My reasoning follows:
I couldn't have put the folder down on the way to Foodtown on the road, yet I couldn't recall having trouble picking food off the shelves with my file organiser in one hand and a basket in the other. So I had put it down BEFORE Foodtown. I DID stop at the men's toilets on the way to the supermarket. I must have left it in there. Well, no...
St Lukes didn't have it at all. Never did. I returned to Balmoral Primary School forlorn and really annoyed at myself. I prepared to admit everything to my associate (especially the now lost books). I entered and saw a black file organiser on a chair. I even queried if it were hers. It was not. It was mine, which I had left on that chair when I left school that day. Containing school journals, precious feedback and assorted other vital notes.
Yet I can still remember carrying it out of the classroom. Aside from the impossibly small possibility of a malicious campaign to confuse me, my memory is now over-compensating for its incompetence, giving me memories I shouldn't have. Caught red-handed this time. Now can I trust anything at all? I hope I am not the witness in a court case, these confessions being publicly accessible and all.
I have my file organiser. Should I be happy or not?